The Second Theory of Relativity

PREFATORY STATEMENT

Tempest : “Mommy what’s a brioche?

Miscen : “It’s a loaf of bread with delusions of grandeur.”

Tempest : “What’s a croissant?”

Miscen : “It’s a pandesal with an inflated ego.”

Needless to say, Tempest was just as confused as she was prior to asking me these questions. While normally I enjoy conversations of this sort with my daughter, my brain was too foggy to engage in verbal calisthenics after a full day of work. This was further exacerbated by the fact that at the time, the entirety of my (limited) focus was held by the gooey waffle sitting in front of me and demanding my undivided attention - hence, the snappy albeit non-responsive answers.

On hindsight, I realize that my responses were unconscious expressions of my state of mind that day. Which brings me to………my second theory of Relativity.

ISSUE:

What proportion does the truth bear to the person’s concept of self?

In other words : Are you really as smart (pretty, sexy, interesting…ad nausea um)

as you think you are?

DISCUSSION

I just realized that I am too nice.

So nice that I have been on the receiving end of various forms of abuse from over-inflated (translation : hibang), excessively self-confident (translation : mayabang) and overweening (translation : mayabang na mayabang) albeit completely deluded persons for far too long.

Enough is enough. I am tired of nodding politely and agreeing, when in my evil heart, I know the opposite is true. So just to get it off my chest, here goes libel:

While walking around the office one day, a particularly unattractive office mate who thinks she’s hot, told me:

“W” : MMD, bakit ang taba-taba mo na!

(“MMD why have you gotten so fat!”)

Miscen : Ah….ganoon ba? Oo nga eh, nag di-diet nga ako eh.

(“You think? I know, I’m trying to lose weight”)

MMR (Miscen's Mental Response) : “Buti ka pa W, ang payat payat mo! Kaya lang PANGIT ka.”

(“You’re so lucky you’re thin! Too bad you’re UGLY)

“In fact, pangit ka na nga, masama pa ang ugali mo.”

I was once asked if I agreed that it was ok to ban children (one of them being my only child) from a wedding, even if (1) these were close relatives, (2) the parent had specifically flown in to attend the wedding and (3) the parent would have to SKIP the wedding because she couldn’t leave a 2 year old alone in a hotel room.

X : Don’t you think everyone is being mean to “Y” just because she banned kids from her wedding? No one told them to fly in from the States and bring their kids!

Miscen : Well…it IS her wedding after all. I guess she can do what she wants... (smiles)

MMR : Aren’t weddings about family? Maybe random kids shouldn’t go to an adult reception, but relatives? Relatives who flew in thousands of miles to be here?

Is she afraid of the competition in the cuteness department? It's not even like she's cute!!

Ok , maybe cute, like Shamu is cute.….. But then Shamu has a better personality.

At a wake, after a slideshow supposedly honoring the life of the deceased, my friend sarcastically whispers:

N (whispers) : Miscen, sino ba namatay? Si “X” ba o yung tatay nya?

(Who died? Was it X or her dad?)

Miscen (diplomatically) : Hindi ano! Bakit mo natanong?

(Why do you ask?)

N : Kasi yung slideshow mas maraming picture nya kaysa sa namatay!

(Because she had more pictures in that slideshow than the person who died!)

MMR : Girl, I’m so agreeing with you. However, I think X feels that everything, including a funeral service , is all about her. And that if isn’t, that it SHOULD be.

Or one day while in the bathroom at a former office, minding my own business and brushing my teeth, I was ambushed by a completely unsolicited declaration.

A : I would never wear fake anything. All my LVs are real and all our cars are white.

(Miscen Grabs holds on to the sink top to prevent being carried off by the ensuing hurricane of kayabangan and thinks, does she want me to genuflect? give her an award?)

Miscen : That’s great! I don’t have an LV. All our cars are white too! We have one car, it’s white.

MMR : Girl, if we WRAPPED you in Louis Vuitton and chained you to ten white Porsches, you still would look like our yaya.

CONCLUSION

Life is too short to suffer fools gladly. However, while you cannot control the delusional tendencies of the brioches and croissants around you, you can control your own delusions of grandeur. Or at least reduce them to a minimum acceptable level (i.e. the level where people like me will not write about you in their blogs).

To reduce your tendencies to turn into various forms of french pastry, remember the second theory of relativity: you are at most, only half as smart (i.e. funny, pretty…etc.) as you think you are.

I for example, am self aware that I am overweight, passably pretty, occasionally smart (always smart-mouthed), but ALWAYS polite and nice.

However, applying said theory (and after reading this last blog entry) I now realize – I am not as nice as I think I am.

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