Feel free to skip reading this. It has no point, no meaningful social commentary and no literary value whatsoever. If however, like me, you feel the need to sit back for a few moments and just let your mind go blank, then go ahead. (However, you have been warned. I will not be held responsible should you accidentally fall asleep and hit your head on the desk in front of you.)
Let me tell you about…traffic.
Yes, traffic.
The horrible, horrible traffic I have to endure two and a half to three hours every day.
The kind of horrible traffic that has caused to me unconsciously memorize the order in which billboards appear along South Luzon Expressway – my personal favorites being the one with Judy Ann Santos gazing sultrily at a plastic water bottle and the one with the new (to my vocabulary) word “Jeggings” (which apparently, are a form of clothing being a hybrid of “jeans” and “leggings” – in other words, baston pants. What’s next?!! Acid wash?!@!#@).
The hideous, mind-numbing crawl home every night which ends in….
Traffic and the meaningless conversations you have with your spouse in the car whilst stuck somewhere along SLEX (damn you Skyway 2 project!@#!@#!). So without much ado, here are our top conversations….
On irritating sales girls, poverty and alien civilizations:
Ron : So what did you do today honey?
M : I had lunch with my friend Emily at Bistro Boheme – you know where Blanvil was?
Ron : How was it?
M : It was great, except the chef kept walking around…looking at you. Like he’s not gonna be happy if you don’t look happy eating the food.
Ron : I know! I hate that. I also hate those salesgirls that follow you around stores.
M : Hmmm….I get that a lot. I think it’s because I look poor.
Ron : SO what did you have for lunch?
M : Gravlax.
Ron : Gravlax? Why would you order that?
M : Why not?
Ron : It sounds like an alien civilization. Like “here come the Gravlax to take over the earth and enslave humans”.
M : Actually I think it sounds like constipation medicine. You know, like Dulcolax.
Ron : Why’d you order it then? You’re a weirdo.
M : Really? Who’s weirder huh? The weirdo or the one that married the weirdo.
Ron : Well I didn’t know you were a weirdo until I married you.
M : Dude, the fact that I agreed to marry you in the first place should have tipped you off!
M : I would never watch Michael Bolton in concert.
(Gesturing to radio, over which aforesaid MB is belting out “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You”)
Ron : Me neither. I’d get a headache from all the screeching.
M : Actually, I’d be scared to sit in front.
Ron : Huh?
M : Do you think it hurts when he screeches like that? What if he pops a vein in his neck and then dies on stage or the blood splashes on you in the front row. Ugh.
Ron : Well if he does, I hope they give him a haircut before the funeral. Bald men with long hair in the back are really scary.
M : I know! Does he think growing it long in the back will compensate for the lack of it front? If you ever have hair like that, I’ll leave you.
Ron : Ok. Ditto if you ever start wearing dusters and walking around with curlers in your hair.
M : (Offended) Hey! I thought you liked my duster!
Ron : Did you know Ricky Martin is gay?
M : Of course not!
Ron : No really. It’s in the news. He admitted to being gay already.
M : Oh no! How do we break the news to Beng?
Ron : We’ll tell her he turned gay because they didn’t end up together and his heart is broken.
M : My heart is broken too! Now I’ll never get to shake my bonbons at a Ricky Martin concert. I always wanted to shake my bonbons at a Ricky Martin concert. Sigh. Sigh.
Ron : Miscen, he didn’t die, he just admitted he was gay.
M : Yes but since he’s gay, he’s not gonna care about my shaking bonbons!
Ron : You’re…
M : Yes, yes, I know. I’m weird…
On politics, the next president and Philippine cinema…
Ron : So have you decided who to vote for?
M : I’m leaning towards Gordon.
Ron : Gordon?
M : Yes. I would have voted for Noynoy but I’m afraid Kris Aquino will end up running the country and we’ll all be forced to make obeisance before her.
Ron : I hate to tell you this but you kind of look like Kris Aquino
(OMINOUS SILENCE FOLLOWS)
Ron : Just kidding. So anyway, I think she should just stick to her television shows and leave politics alone.
M : Yes. It would be a waste of SUCH talent. Think of all the movies that never would have been made --- Humanda Ka Mayor! (Bahala na ang Diyos), The Vizconde Massacre (God Help Us ), or the Myrna Diones Story (Lord Have Mercy) and Patayin sa Sindak Si Barbara. The Fatima Buen Story. You massacre it, they’ll make a Kris Aquino movie out of it!
Ron : Why do you know all this stuff?
M : I googled it. Don’t you notice that in most of her movies, someone wants to kill her, tries to kill her or actually kills her?
Ron : Why is that, you think?
M : Well…probably because people want to kill her? I don’t know!!
Ron : That’s just mean.
M : You can say that because you’ve never actually had to sit through one of her movies.
Ron : Like you have.
M : I did! My friend Noni was in one of them and he gave us tickets to watch him – it was his first movie.
Ron : So how was it?
M : Let’s just say it was probably wrong of me to root for the homicidal maniacs…but that was the only way to stop her from screaming….(shudders)
Ron : That's just mean.
M : You keep saying that. You know what else is scary?
Ron : What?
M : Most of those movies were directed by Carlo J. Caparas.
Ron : Maybe he wants to kill her too.
M : You have a point there. And he's running for senator!
Ron : So who ARE you going to vote for?
M : Carlo J. Caparas
Ron : No, for president.
M : Fine. Fine. Noynoy then.
But at the rate we're going, you could still end up with Kris Aquino as President one day. Then they could really make a movie about her life and why she should never have run for public office…they could call it “The Kris Aquino Story – God Save the Philippines and the Whole World”.
Ron : You’re weird.
M : Are we BACK to this again?
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