Miscen's First Theory of Relativity

PREFATORY STATEMENT

"Mommy, how come our house looks tiny when it's far away but it’s bigger than me when I'm near it?" my four year old asked me over the weekend. "Uhmmm, because light travels at the speed of....errrmm...because...hmmm. I know! Let's ask daddy!" (Miscen smacks herself on the forehead.)

ISSUE

What exactly is the theory of relativity?

THE "DISCUSSION"

I have always been an indifferent student. Any good grades I "earned" were more the fruits of luck (a.k.a. “tsamba”) than any sincere effort on my part to learn. Come to think of it, while I MUST have actually learned enough to read, write and do simple math, most of high school seems to have passed me by in a haze. Case in point : the Theory of Relativity and a mental note I made in high school to make an effort to understand the same, at some future time, in the event that the need to actually know what it meant ever arose, possibly in college.

College passed me by equally quickly, although probably not quickly enough for my poor parents who were probably deathly afraid every day of what new mischief I would come up with (a completely groundless fear since it was my friend Myk and NOT I who would come up with these escapades). Once again, notwithstanding (a) the fact that I was in pre-med (b) my roommate Rutchie’s frequent reminders that I should study for my physics class, I STILL didn’t learn said theory. After all, this was UP Diliman in the’80s – and there were just too many other “interesting” things to be doing than sitting in a hot classroom which always vaguely smelled of the formalin wafting over from the Biology pavilion, to exert the immense (at least on my part) effort to learn what E = MC2 meant exactly.

Fortuitously, I realized early on that continuing on to medical school was not going to be my life plan. This being settled I then proceeded to coast along the rest of college in the quest of “finding out what I really want to do.” Luckily, my I had very wonderful friends who (a) included me in their group work, (b) reminded me when we had a test or a paper due and (c) generally ensured that I did not get kicked out of the pre-med program until I had gathered sufficient courage to break the news to my parents that I wasn’t going to med school. Thereafter, I drifted in law school – for the sole reason that my friend was taking the Ateneo Law School entrance examinations and was too chicken to do it by herself. So for a staggering P500.00 bribe (the cost of the application fee), I agreed to take the test too just to keep her company. In law school, I DID study – it was either that or utter and complete humiliation in front of my very competitive and grade conscious classmates.

Unfortunately, the Theory of Relativity never came up. This brings me back to my current dilemma. So I frantically Google “Theory of Relativity”. After tearing myself away from a mental tirade on Einstein and his perpetual bad hair day, I finally come up with…. 1. The laws of physics are the same for all observers in uniform motion relative to one another (principle of relativity) 2. The speed of light in a vacuum is the same for all observers, regardless of their relative motion or of the motion of the source of the light. Not very helpful. Hmm…. what pray tell is “uniform motion” and what exactly IS the speed of light in a vacuum? And assuming arguendo that I ever understand these concepts, how exactly will they improve the quality of my life?

CONCLUSION

After suffering an agony of indecision... all three minutes of it. I have come to a conclusion. Since I couldn’t find a site called “The Theory of Relativity for Dummies”, I have decided to give up and let Ron explain it to Tempest. After all, I feel I have already done my duty by carrying her in my womb for nine months, gaining 40 pounds and suffering through labor for eight hours. And then...(to plagiarize) Eureka!

Miscen's First Theory of Relativity : Relative to nine months of pregnancy, eight hours of labor and forty pounds of stubborn fat, explaining the theory of relativity (and other difficult scientific concepts) to a four year old is a piece of cake. And thus, as a corollary, the spouse that got pregnant, fat and stretch-marked is already exempt from performing the aforementioned educational duties.